Baby Ro's Birth Story - root to bloom mama

Baby Ro's Birth Story - root to bloom mama

None of my pregnancies have been easy. And only the middle child get's the award for best delivery. My first boy ended up an emergency c-section (birth plan? Yeah, right.) The second boy was a successful VBAC, but because of one of those tests that you take in the 21st week or so, to test for certain genes etc., came back with some weird numbers, I had to go in for ultrasounds nearly every other week and then weekly nearing the delivery date to make sure he was growing correctly. The third baby, baby Ro, well, he didn't want to leave. After a week went by past my due date, it was time to make a choice. Scrape membranes? Break water? Use pitocin? Or ultimately, elect for a c-section? All of the "forced" labor options made me cry. I wanted him to come when he wanted to and for me to feel confident in that choice. But I wasn't.It turns out that when we did the ultrasound (a week after the due date) to make sure everything was going okay in there and to check how big the boy was, I had plenty of amniotic fluid. In all actuality, I had an excess of amniotic fluid. So much so that Baby Ro's head couldn't really get down far enough to start labor. I was actually having contractions but couldn't feel them fully because of all the liquid. Isn't that sort of nuts?So on Monday, after the OB/GYN appointment, the midwife called my around 5pm and said, "the doctor recommends you come in tomorrow morning, 6am, to be induced." And I gave in. I just didn't feel confident, but now, after the whole ordeal, I'm sure it was for the best. I even wonder if I should have elected for a scheduled c-section because it would have been easier on Rowan.We drove to the hospital Tuesday morning and filled out paperwork and the nurse (Liz is awesome) and the midwife came to break my water around 9am. Which was weird. Through all three pregnancies, my water never broke on its own. The difference this time is I had an epidural before my water broke the previous two times. And man-o-man, they weren't kidding when they said I had excess fluid. There was so much.After that, they started me on some pitocin later that afternoon. and I got an epidural around 2-ish (if I remember correctly, it's all kind of hazy when you start real contractions and haven't eaten food in so many hours.)  Around 4:30-ish, I was about 8 cm dilated and they said we'd start pushing soon. And at roughly 5:`15, the nurse suggested I do a "practice push." So I did, and as soon as I stopped, Rowan's heart rate dropped. So we had to keep going. and every time I stopped, his heart rate dropped. Then they were screaming for midwives and next thing you know, he's stuck and they are screaming for a doctor. Mind you, about 8 nurses and midwives are standing around my bed, some were a foot over me. It was wild. And scary. It was traumatic. And then, of course, the doctor had to free him, and I remember lots of tugging. And then he was out but it was silent. He was laid on me, but not at my face, or chest, more like on my lower stomach, then hurriedly picked up and taken to the baby bed. Then all I heard was "Okay, it's time to work some magic." Meanwhile, I'm looking for reactions on anyone's face, a nurse, a midwife, the doctor, Brad and I can't figure anything out. I'm exhausted and I have no idea what's going on and no one is really saying anything. It's so almost euphoric because of course they are going to tell you if something is wrong (right?), but then you know you feel something is wrong, and no one is saying A DAMN THING. Then, what feels like a forever, which was probably 30-45 seconds, you finally hear the kiddo cry. WHEW. But I still don't know exactly what happened. I do know the nurse talked to the nursery nurse and asked the nursery nurse to fill out the "resuscitation" part and they didn't talk about it in front of me. I'm sure what I should do is request his medical records to figure it out.After all that, I was happy to have him, finally. It felt like forever. Unfortunately, we didn't know it at the time, but after being released from the hospital, (and actually a few days later) it was the night before July 4, I noticed Rowan had a large lump on his shoulder. Apparently, his clavicle was broken in the struggle. I knew he cried when I picked him up but I thought it was just from being sore. Poor little guy. It was a traumatic entry into this world for us both. And I hate all the pokes and prods and the freaking broken bone he's had to experience. Naturally, I can't seem to put him down for long. I've been holding him non-stop in an effort to reverse any kind of negative impacts by smooshing him with lots of love.So that was hard. I think I am mentally, emotionally, and physically drained at this point. It's hard to rationalize all of this, plus just normal resting, with my brain. I constantly feel guilty for not doing "enough." Like, I get up and sweep, do laundry, clean the bathroom counter, pick up whatever has been thrown in the floor. It's all not important, but I feel guilty not keeping up with my normal house duties. Where do you get permission to rest? I can't seem to give it to myself and I literally sit in my bed and tell myself "it's okay, this is all temporary." I'm not just recovering from having a baby (which there is plenty of reasons to fully take it easy those 6 weeks) but this delivery was hard. I'm two-weeks postpartum today and I'm still very sore in my pelvic area and lower abdomen.  I would say that all the tugging did me in. And just for the record, pooping ain't easy.I really want to be a strong mom and at some point, be able to help other mom's feel confident in themselves, their decisions, and be okay while keeping some sense of individuality, but I can't seem to allow my own cup to be filled so how will I ever help someone else fill their's?Any mom-to-mom tips or ideas out there for me? I'd love to hear them. I should be a seasoned-pro at this by now, but it looks like I still have room for improvement. I'm really missing my yoga practice (and teaching) and any sort of meditation practice right now.Thanks for reading,**I forgot to mention, I also had to use an oxygen mask to up the baby's heart rate which is impossible to breathe through when you're simultaneously pushing, so know this.Also, when they broke my water, I eventually had to get up to go to the bathroom. Brad thought this was a good time to make me laugh. It was not. I basically leaked so much water to and from the bathroom that he had to use bath towels to soak it all up. That'll teach him when it's appropriate to make someone laugh (SIKE! it's always a good time to laugh.)

Holiday Ginger Bitters + Recipe

Holiday Ginger Bitters + Recipe

Happy International Yoga Day!

Happy International Yoga Day!